I returned home Thursday afternoon from being in the hospital since Saturday afternoon. It was good to be away from the unfamiliar and back to the familiar. We humans do like to be connected to our own space that gives us our own sense of security in many ways. Suffering often upsets this. For me, my space is key to who I am and how I am wired, even though I do love change – the hospital over Europe loses every time!
WHERE DO THINGS STAND?
I am stable and on an antibiotic to keep my white cells, now normal, in balance. We are not sure why or where the infection came from yet. I had many tests X-rays and CAT Scan. I had my gallbladder checked by ultrasound, thinking that Grandmother and Mother had theirs removed, but all looks well.
Did I eat a bad hamburger (that I cooked), or did I have a reaction to diet Twizzlers with Sorbital? They are not sure. I have been sick in the past and hospitalized for E-Coli, but tests showed nothing this time
I am on Probiotic and Prolisec to keep a small irritation in my stomach under control.
I am on a lactose-free and low fiber diet to ease my stomach, and keep my upper intestines and colon functioning normally. Today is the first real food I have had since Sunday.
WHATS NEXT:
In three weeks, I go to the Gastroenterologist and have a Colonoscopy. We need to wait, because the lining of my colon is thin and highly sensitive. We do not want to rip it. If between then and now I end up in severe pain in any way, I will return to the hospital where the surgeon will go in to see what’s up.
From the Colonoscopy we hope to see what could have caused the shut down or blockage of my colon, as well as the build-up of germ-filled air that seeped through the lining of my colon and into my liver. By the way, Saturday night the CT scan looked dire, and the surgeon was ready to do some exploratory surgery and take out parts of my colon. Sunday morning, Palm Sunday, the X-ray was clear, no air in the liver or lining of the colon. My GI guy was quite surprised. Thank you for your prayers during that night and next morning.
I still have a slight ache and sensitivity in my upper intestine; this may be the cause of the problem. I forget how extensive our colon is.
MY REFLECTION ON THIS EPISODE IN MY LIFE
Saturday night was miserable with 10 hours of pain that only morphine (by the way, a terrible drug) could lessen some until they put a tube through my nose and into my stomach to try to remove pressure. At one point, I said to Jesus “travailing in natural childbirth was nothing to this.” Childbirth does end; this seemed like there was no end in sight.
I was brought up to the Intensive Care Unit at 4 Sunday morning. I told Kit to go home. He had been trying so hard to get me through the waves of excruciating pain that came every 6 seconds, he was done in himself. A good husband is a treasure of mercy, strength and tenderness when we really need it.
So I lie there looking out the window at the darkness, pressure and pain subsiding, exhausted with a bad headache as well. I know Jesus and God were with me, but I felt a strange kind of aloneness as I looked out at the rain pouring over the lights in the parking lot. The nurses were talking at the station outside my room. Life was happening, yet all I wanted to do was sleep, but it was not coming.
I was feeling the weight of it all, uncertainty, vulnerability and the fragileness of my own humanity. Every time I closed my eyes I would see a hideous image, demon, etc., with this kind of fake black smoke billowing up to try to intimidate me. I said,
“Jesus, you know where I am. This is dark, Help me and show the way.”
Suffering is not nice, neat, controlled, predictable, but it is one of those places we most likely can experience Jesus to be our Strength, if we yield. We are fully aware of our limited capacity to cope, live and survive. We try to fight to live, but realize it cannot be on our own, but on His ability to catch us at our wit’s end. There have been places in my past where I have walked through suffering with Jesus holding my hand. Each time has revealed something new and a better way of choosing to live my life afterwards.
Those components are in this experience as well, but there is something deeper here at work.
One of the interesting things that occurred as the harassing images would come, is that I would see Jesus’s face as an X-ray black and white, dead, and then as a still photo, and then as alive and well motioning to me, comforting. This is significant in relationship to Lent.
Then, I saw a light coming across out of the darkness, creating a burst of light and the breath of God pushing away the feeble grey smoke in front of my vision. I heard God say, “I have created the heavens and the earth and all the universe.” At that point, I saw stars and I saw the earth, like a astronaut may see from space, but it was forming and became what it was meant to be. It was interesting because I was viewing this next to or through Gods eyes. I felt a closeness. He said, “Tricia, I am in charge over all things.” I was aware of His magnificence and capabilities. I said, as typical of me, “what do you want me to do?” He said, “REST, REST and REST.” He kept on repeating it.
Each day after that has had its trials and discoveries where the Lord has spoken to me. I have had a chronic headache that has now gotten better, but I was always aware of pain.
On 3.8.10 I had a terrible toothache that resulted in surgery and a biopsy of a mass under it. March has been an interesting month. I lost the tooth, but the biopsy was negative. This is what The Lord said to me that morning:
I said, “Have mercy on me.” He said,” My daughter, I see you’re suffering. You can bear it and let me walk with you. I deeply care for you and weep at your pain. I know pain. Walk with me in this suffering. It will be resolved, but it will take awhile; be patient, but don’t give up – persist. I will lead you closer to me and deeper into the mysteries of God. Hold close to the Glory of my Life in you. Life will be renewed, abundantly. Rely totally on me. You will become safe, sturdy, and suffering will be over, and you will be free. Rely on My hand of healing and you will get through this by My strength.”
Prior to the week before I was put in the hospital, I was busy with launching a church, developing retreats again, seeing individuals for ministry, trying to help elderly parents in CT, etc. Busy, busy, busy. In the middle of the week, the Lord reminded me of the years past where I would be so engaged in the Lenten season. When living at a Retreat Center, He reminded me of the many parts of His journey during the time of Lent. How I would spend time with Him and listen to Him during Lent and see another part that He wanted me to see.
I became aware that I felt distant from it now and asked His forgiveness, and invited Him to show me in a deeper way what He wanted me to see.
In the hospital every day, God kept reminding me of the 3 images of His face. Jesus kept on talking to me about the terror and fears of our humanity, of death from this side, and what He went through, and then He said,
“This dark night is a taste of my dark night on Good Friday. Tricia, you always teach that the Tomb cannot be separated from the Resurrection. I have taught you this through your life, but this time you are seeing it as I saw it. The power of the foreboding and attacks of the enemy, but all brought into balance by the Glory of God and the power of His Spirit in the world, and in you to bring life anew. I AM with you always and forever.”
I am sharing this with you to not just pray for my continuing unfolding of the Lord’s healing in my process of recovery, and in the discovery of what caused this to happen. Also, pray for my need to rest and trust in God’s provision for us in a variety of ways.
I am also asking you to pray this Easter weekend that you to grab hold of the ever-present Jesus walking with you in your pain, struggle, illness and suffering. Being human is complicated, fascinating, difficult and always changing, yet Jesus enters into it as One Who Knows. We are worth it because we are made in His image.
Love you all, in Christ,
Tricia
Tricia,
So many have been praying for your recovering and I am so happy to hear you are back home and feeling better. I will continue to pray for a clean colonoscopy. I have a friend who recently had severe pain and a blockage that ended with surgery. They found it was scare tissue from a hysterectomy done years before. She is great now and I hope the same for you.
God’s Blessings for Healing…Marti
Tricia –
Did I write that blog or did you? So familiar….
In my recent times of physical and the subsequent emotional suffering, the Lord has reminded me of His words: “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” I always seemed to focus on the “never leave you” part, but now I am hearing the “never forsake you ” part so much stronger. I looked up “forsake” in the dictionary, since it’s not a word generally in my vocabulary. Other words for “forsake” made it so much more clear to me.
I now hear “I will never desert you,” “I will never abandon you,” “I will never break off from you,” “I will never give up on you.”
After so many years of pain and suffering, these words are bringing a new kind of comfort. I need to know my Jesus feels this way. A different kind of strength shows up when I meditate on those words.
I share these with you hoping you find strength, peace and comfort too.